The Heart Talk
Heart Talk is a communication tool that fosters empathy, intimacy, and trust within couples, families, and groups. This process, inspired by the indigenous “talking stick” tradition, promotes honest and vulnerable dialogue among individuals. The Heart Talk consists of key agreements and the use of a symbolic heart or other object that may be easily passed among participants. It is a structured process in which the agreements and steps are strictly followed so as to create the safety and context needed to deeply communicate without feeling rushed or fearing condemnation, unsolicited advice, or interruption.
The following agreements outline the structure of the Heart Talk:
Only the person holding the heart talks.
The person holding the heart speaks as long as desired and then passes the heart to their neighbor.
Participants don’t judge or criticize what anyone else has said.
Each participant talks about how they feel. They never tell the other person or persons how they think the other(s) feel.
All information is kept confidential.
Participants don’t leave the talk until it’s declared complete by everyone. Usually, passing the heart around a few times without anyone speaking is a good way to know the Heart Talk is felt complete by everyone participating.
Benefits of the Heart Talk
Enhanced listening skills
Development of constructive expression of feelings
Improved conflict-resolution skills
Improved abilities to let go of resentments and issues
Knowledge of creating environments to share deep feelings
Development of mutual respect and understanding
Bonding of participants
Increased empathy
Transference of many positive communication skills into everyday life
As a Somatic Experiencing® practitioner, I am always curious about the neurophysiological mechanisms underlying various communication and mindfulness methods and interventions. A noteworthy feature of the Heart Talk is the healthy boundary built into the dialogue. This boundary supports a nervous system state of social engagement rather than that of survival physiology.
To illustrate what I mean by this, I’ll ask you to explore the type of communication that is the antithesis of the Heart Talk. Recall a conversation in which you were being repeatedly interrupted mid-sentence or in which your ideas were being invalidated or criticized. If you fully immerse yourself in the memory of such a conversation, you may notice tension accumulating in the body, perhaps in the form of tightening in the jaw, neck, and shoulders.
These physiological responses are the result of the subcortical regions of the brain initiating a fight response, which is an instinctual protective mechanism triggered by the perception of a threat (real or imagined). Or perhaps you feel antsy and uneasy as the result of a flight response mobilization or spacey and collapsed due to a freeze response. Any of the aforementioned reactions are the result of your threat detection system perceiving the listener’s interruptions or criticisms as a boundary rupture, in the same way you would react to a physical breach of your personal space, albeit usually at a lesser intensity.
In situations like these, the nervous system prepares the body to take action in the form of fighting or fleeing. However, we inhibit the expression of these impulses, because abiding by social norms takes precedence. For example, gritting your teeth, painting on a smile, and requesting that your partner allow you to finish your thought is a more prosocial behavior than clobbering them in the head or running away from them! However, because the protective impulses that are sent to our muscles in such circumstances are not mobilized, we accumulate tension. When repeated ad infinitum, these unexpressed impulses may ultimately result in chronic anxiety, pain, dysfunction, and disease.
Alternatively, with the Heart Talk, we have the space to express our feelings, knowing that we won’t be interrupted or have our ideas attacked or criticized. Having this space to take a beat, collect our thoughts, and share at an easeful pace results in a greater sense of safety and a downregulation of our self-protective responses. This nervous system shift results in significant physiological changes in the brain. Blood is shunted from the subcortical survival regions to the neocortex, where our language center is located and where our executive functioning and complex thought takes place. Because of the increased blood flow to this region, resulting in greater oxygenation of that brain tissue, our IQ increases, thereby making us more articulate and more capable of conveying the subtleties of our experience. This explains why the converse of this oftentimes occurs. We get tongue-tied in stressful or triggering scenarios, and it is only upon later reflection, when we are less activated, that we think of that perfect repartee that had eluded us in the moment.
I invite you to give the Heart Talk a try if you are seeking to deepen your connection with a loved one and/or needing a structured container to openly express what is in your heart and mind. While the Heart Talk offers a healthy framework for communication, it is just that—a framework. If you would like to further cultivate empathetic listening skills, feel better understood, as well as bolster your ability to courageously speak your truth, I wholeheartedly recommend reading and practicing the principles shared in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (paid link), by Marshall Rosenberg. Rosenberg’s philosophy has transformed not only my interpersonal communication but also my internal dialogue.